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Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Choice of language

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2 homosapiens ascended a certain geological protuberance to collect a hydride of oxygen who’s quantity isn’t specified.
1 member descends dramatically suffering mechanical damage to the cranial part of his anatomical structure. The 2nd member follows the first in a similar series of rapid irregular disturbing movements.

In simple English:
Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

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The Ultimate Rejection Letter

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Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

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The American and the Pakistani

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A Pakistani and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American wants to play a game. Pakistani is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep. The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the Pakistani's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Pakistani doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American. "Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the Pakistani and hands him $500. The Pakistani thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Pakistani and asks "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Pakistani reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep.

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Mensa Convention

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A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

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Q: What's Brown And Sticky?

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A: A Stick.

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Misdirected Email

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It's wise to remember how easily email -- this wonderful technology -- can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here."

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Software Revisions

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Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0:

Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1:

We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:

Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0:

We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1:

Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2:

Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused !

2.3:

Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it !!

3.0:

Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1:

Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:

More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor...

4.1:

Just one or two bugs this time... Honest !

5.0:

We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0:

We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1:

Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning, but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.

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How To Get A Life

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It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a REAL deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

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You Might Be An IRC Addict

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You type faster than you think

You can read the cast names that scroll on your TV at the end of a movie

You dream only in "text" format

Nothing's happening, but you don't leave for fear you'd miss something

You spend at least 30 minutes saying goodbye to everyone on line

You stop speaking in full sentences, or use short choppy ones

You have a vanity car tag with your nick on it

Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL"

You prefer watching TV with the closed captioning turned on

When someone says, "What did you say ?" you reply, "Scroll up !"

You know more about your on-line friends than you do your family

You have an identity crisis if someone is using a nick close to your own

You change your nick so much that you have to look to see who you are

You can message while you're on the phone & carry on two conversations

You sign on & get 10 msgs from people who have you on their notify list

You wish you had an ignore button that would work in real life

You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer

Your notify list contains over 100 people

You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake

You have no idea what time it is

You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo

You're seeking an on line psychiatrist to treat your IRC addiction

You've yet to see anything funny at all in this list

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You're Probably A Geek If

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Your web page is far more popular than you

Your home page is more impressive than your resume

Your computer has more phone lines than the people in your house

You ask a woman for her e-mail address instead of her phone number

You think FrontPage is for whimps

You run Windows 95, 3.1 and Unix just because you can

You spend more time on the Net than you do sleeping

You "call in" sick to work via e-mail

Everyone in your family has multiple e-mail addresses

You've have a LAN set-up in your house

Your idea of hurrying is typing faster

You keep spare mouse pads

You keep a spare PC just to test virus hoaxes

You use a tape backup to save Web Sites you've visited

You have more invested in computers than you do your kids

You have and use every known commercial/shareware anti-virus program

You see how far you can move the mouse w/o turning off the screen saver

At night, you check your e-mail before you check your answering machine

You still have original version of NetScape

You not only use computer acronyms, you know what they're short for too

You have a better computer system at home than at work

You can quote chapter and verse from various html manuals

You're still not sure if adding graphics to the Internet was a good idea

You don't think any of the foregoing is either funny or unusual

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Computer Quips

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Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking ?

If only women and kids only came with pull-down menus & online help

Never violate C:\ the Prime Directory

If at first you don't succeed, call it beta version 0.91

Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk

Bug ??? That's not a bug, that's an undocumented feature

Life would be so much easier if I had the source code

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped ?

"Mr. Worf, scan that ship" "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI ?"

! sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ? sgub naem ayaddahW

Computer analyst to programmer: "Start coding, I'll go find out what they want"

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Newfie Computer Terms

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1. Log on: Make the wood stove hotter

2. Log off: Don't add no more wood

3. Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove

4. Download: Getting the firewood off the truck

5. Floppy disk: What you get from trying to carry too much firewood

6. Ram: The thing that splits the firewood

7. Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter

8. Prompt: What the mail ain't in the winter

9. Window: What to shut when it's cold outside

10. Screen: What to shut in black fly season

11. Byte: What the black flies do

12. Bit: What the black flies did

13. Mega Byte: What the LABRADOR black flies do

14. Chip: Munchies for TV

15. Micro Chip: What's left in the bag after you eat the chips

16. Modem: What you did to the hay fields

17. Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife

18. Lap Top: Where the kitty sleeps

19. Software: The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at
McDonalds

20. Hardware: The real stainless steel cutlery

21. Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn

22. Main Frame: What holds the barn up

23. Enter: City talk for - "come on in, eh"

24. Web: What a spider makes

25. Web Site: The barn or the attic

26. Cursor: Someone who swears

27. Search Engine: What you do when the car dies

28. Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen

29. Home Page: A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get
lost in the field

30. Upgrade: Steep hill

31. Server: The person at the ABC what brings the food

32. Mail Server: The guy at the ABC what brings the food

33. MSDOS: Some new disease they discovered

34. Sound Card: One of them technological birthday cards that plays
music when you open it

35. User: The neighbour who keeps borrowing stuff

36. Browser: What they call you when you eye brows grow together

37. Network: When you have to repair your fishing net

38. Internet: Complicated fish net repair method

39. Netscape: When a fish maneuvers out of reach

40. Online: When you get the laundry hung out on the washline

41. Off line: When the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the
ground

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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

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ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you
have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers! What about financial. You have anything I can track my
money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsof t gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later . . . . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START" !!!!!

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Computer Gender

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A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

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What You Learn About Computers In Movies

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There are some interesting things you can learn about the behavior of computer in movies (and in television). Here's a list of some of the more curious observations about movie computers:

* Word processors never display a cursor, but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW.
* You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
* All monitors display 2-inch high letters.
* High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
* Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
* Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.
* Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
* All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
* Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
* All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
* People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
* A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
* Any PERMISSION DENIED has an override function.
* Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
* When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
* If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
* If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
* No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
* The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
* Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
* Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
* Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
* Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
* Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

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The Computer Programmer And The Frog

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A computer programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket."

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

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Fix it yourself

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When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that, probably, the printer only needed to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

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The First Poem Written for Computers

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<>!*''#
^"`$$-
!*=@$_
%*<>~4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED


For you somewhat cybernetically challenged, it goes something like this (using the proper cyber-names):

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH

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Unanswered questions

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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

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Teacher & Student

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

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